I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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