I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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