Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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