Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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