sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
did i walk over a car last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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