You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
