to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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