textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
