Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
