He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
