Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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