the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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