Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
