I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
