ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
