I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
