Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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