so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
