if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
