The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
