I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
