Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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