i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am naked and annoyed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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