I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
