You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
