Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
