Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They took my balls.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
