I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
