Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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