her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
