I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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