So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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