I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
