my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Enjoy the penises
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
