So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
