Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
