swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
