thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
