He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
