why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
