Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
