: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
