is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
