i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
