sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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