I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
