he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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