My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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