I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
