I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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