If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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