my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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