I'm so fucking centered right now
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
