I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
